The BEST insight into people who say “I’m fine”
Love a good acronym! And this lit me up when I heard it. (see below!)
Culturally, we use 'fine' a lot when asked how we are. It's a quick, easy answer to a complex question. However, FINE is never actually the answer. We are complex beings; we are never just fine.
Here’s the best insight into people who say ‘I’m fine’ and what it really means…
I think there’s two main issues here:
1) There is so much depth to a person, how come we always ask a complex question and expect a simple answer?
2) We are rushing around so much in life that when we come across another soul, we rarely give time, space and energy to actually listen and open the opportunity for vulnerability and connection.
It always has driven me mad that we say I’m fine all the time, when no one really means it. You might be feeling AMAZING or having a tough day, but rarely are we ever just coasting. If you are, challenge yourself to think, act and FEEL BIGGER! You are not just ‘fine’ you are fabulous. You are a Wellbeing Explorer.
There are a few things I do I intentionally to counter our tendency to rush past each other and ask shallow questions. You can create and hold the space to invite people to go deeper:
1) Challenge people when they say “I’m fine” or “it’s ok”
(I do this especially when I am speaking with one of you Wellbeing Explorers!). Ask a follow up question like, “I’m sensing there’s more to this. How are you really?”
2) Build trust through empathy;
Imagine the other persons emotional and cognitive experience. Sharing tactfully and tactically about your own experiences will allow you to connect and show understanding.
3) Listen to hear;
Ensure other’s feel heard and understood through how you choose to listen. Active listening is a skill to be cultivated. There is a culture and habit of only half listening. Whilst someone is talking we are busy forming our answer in our heads. People intuitively sense this, fully listen and take the time in a natural break to form an answer.
4) Clarify understanding.
Briefly summarise what people have told you and ask if you have understood them correctly “what I have hear is…is this accurate to your experience/ what you are communicating to me?”
5) Invite deeper reflection, but don’t force it.
An example I use is “I am sensing there’s something more going on, would you like the space to talk about it?”. Sometimes people don’t want to talk about it, there’s a million reasons this might be the case. Respect where they are.
6) Allow space for reflection and pauses in conversation.
One of the most valuable lessons I have learnt as a positive psychology coach is to become comfortable with long pauses and silence in conversation. When you ask a question that requires deeper exploration, people need time to think. Allow the pause and don’t jump in to say something if you are feeling discomfort.
7) Know and honour your own boundaries, space and energy in the moment.
If you do not want to have a deeper conversation, don’t force yourself into it. People sense that energy too, and it will drain your energy rather than filling you up. Saying something like “I hear that this is important for you to talk through. I am feeling [insert emotion/ boundary] at the moment, and I would be open to talk about this with you later, could we arrange to speak at [insert specific time]?”
8) Disconnect from distractions, including technology.
If you want to show you are interested and wish to create the space for deeper conversations, put your screen’s down and on silent, put them totally away. If you are on a time limit, create an alarm so you are not constantly checking the time. If you are a sensitive soul who prefers intimate one to ones and low sensory input, turn off TV’s, move away from crowded spaces, and turn the music down.
Next time you hear yourself saying 'I'm FINE' or when someone else says it, can you invite them to reflect on the acronym; Feelings Inside Not Expressed and open up dialogue and connection.
You are welcome to use your own emotional intelligence here. If it is not appropriate or timely, just say a cordial hello, or howdy, or Namaste or ‘bout ye (for all the Northern Irish in the house!). No drama llama, you do you.
Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Self-reflection questions:
How does the acronym resonate for you? Does it resonate as truth? Is this something you have noticed in your own life and interactions?
How often do you deflect your real feelings and thoughts when you are asked how you are?
How can you be more vulnerable in your next conversation?
How can you more compassionately create space for someone to provide a deeper and more meaningful answer?
What are you going to commit to doing when someone next comes to you in conversation and if someone answers “I’m fine”.
I’d love to hear how this acronym has BLOWN your mind like it did for me.
Share this with someone who needs to hear it.
I look forward to CONNECTING with you deep soon.
Yours in exploration and with love,
Emma