How I Overcame a Toxic Inner World and Moved Towards Self-Mastery
& 8 STEPS I TOOK AT THE BEGINNING
TRIGGER WARNING!
In this blog I discuss suicidal ideation, so please be mindful of yourself and your triggers before reading on. Spoiler alert, it does get lighter (and I get happier)…
As many of you now know, my journey of being a Wellbeing Explorer has not been an easy, quick, free of suffering or straightforward ride.
In 2012 I visited Nepal. I was running away. I stayed for nine months and had the biggest and best adventure but landed home and quickly became very unhappy again. It’s so interesting to reflect back on because I have journeyed far, however I started at the lowest point.
I was only 21.
Physically unwell, mentally unwell and desperately unhappy and felt alone, isolated and negative. Everything felt awful and worthless.
One afternoon, lying in bed, not moving because I was in so much pain, I stared at the blank cupboard opposite me, and considered my options.
Life was not worth living right now, and I felt it would be much easier if I was not on this planet. However, I decided it was too complicated to end my life (I know this sounds like I am making light of a dark situation, but this literally is what was going on in my inner dialogue). So, I decided to change my situation. There must be a better way. The first thing I did was grab my laptop and googled motivational quotes on self-love, gratitude, friendship, acceptance, joy, happiness, optimism, purpose...I printed about 50 and stuck them all over my cupboard. I laid back in bed surveyed my work and smiled for the first time in what felt like forever. This was the start.
It’s been a long road. One which I realise more and more, will not have an end point. I will grow, expand, suffer, love, laugh, cry, smile forever and ever. This is the journey of the Wellbeing Explorer. There are however very tangible skills and ways of being that we can cultivate to support ourselves along the way. Below are a few of the most important components that supported me on the beginning my healing journey.
I offer these to you as a testimonial, but also in the hope you can learn from my experience of living in despair, with chronic fatigue syndrome and chronic pain to a place of expansive happiness, living in harmony with my suffering and viewing my journey with self-compassion, deep love and acceptance. These will also support you in an adventurous way of being where I live in exploration and curiosity of the brilliance and beauty of life with passion and purpose.
8 steps I took in the beginning of my journey to overcome a toxic inner world and MOVE Towards Self-Mastery:
1. Understanding and befriending my inner critic (always a work in progress for self-compassion).
The first step for me was first that the inner critic was not always true or helpful. The second step was the awareness that I had sovereignty over my thoughts and the voices in my head. I had let them rampage through my mind, tainting everything as darkness. However, I became to understand the inner critic is only trying to keep me safe. I befriended this version of myself, gave it the compassion it needed and began healing the associated wounding.
2. Committed to understanding how to manage my negative thinking and emotions.
Once I had the #mindblown moment that thoughts and emotions are just thoughts and emotions, they are not ‘me’ and are not always helpful or true, I had to make a commitment to myself that I would no longer allow unhelpful and toxic thinking and totally unregulated emotional responses to completely control my inner dialogue and guide my external actions. This is a consistent commitment that I make every day and in my moment by moment thinking and feeling; to understand and regulate my thinking and emotions. Our thinking and our reactions to circumstances are the only things that are within our full control. We don’t always have total control of our emotions, but we can learn how to regulate them, and respond in a way that is aligned with our highest good, healthy and helpful.
3. Practicing mindful presence and quietening my inner dialogue.
Once I learnt that thoughts are just thoughts, I started to learn how to get some distance between myself and my unhelpful thinking styles. I found meditating really difficult at the start, so I found meditative practices like yoga, going for walks and breathing in the fresh air or noticing the sounds of nature, and finding flow playing music to distance my mind from the constant thinking. This distance supported me to a mindful presence, where I began to pay attention to what was in my present, rather than worrying about the future or stressing over the past. I also learnt and practiced thought regulation techniques like noticing and challenging my unhelpful thinking patterns, which over time has allowed for a much quieter and mindful inner world.
4. Being kind to myself, even though this felt weird to start with.
Perhaps one of the biggest issues I lived with was how cruel I was to myself. I would say things every second to myself that I would never dream of saying, or even allowing myself to think about anyone else. I had to learn to be kind to myself, and wow…it did not come naturally. It has been a long journey to actually champion myself, but I realise now the power in self-love. This started with compassion; seeing my suffering and wishing to relieve it. Then came challenging the unkind voices in my head for their accuracy and helpfulness. This is a consistent practice I do not let slip. The research is clear; [self-]kind is cool.
5. Practicing radical acceptance.
Ooooffft. Acceptance. Nope nope and nope. I could not accept who I was, where I was, how I was. Until I had to. The options were 1) accept to move towards health and happiness or 2) don’t and live in sickness and despair. This was a difficult thing for me, but slowly I practiced more and more. I accepted myself, my situation and my environment. This is something I still need to consistently and intentionally remind myself to do. Once I began to radically and fully accept, I was truly on my way to inner-freedom.
6. Moving meditations (yoga and rock climbing).
A big reason I was unwell was I burnt out with compassion fatigue. I also had some physical issues from inactive glutes and dropped arches in my feet. I also had been really sick in India with e-coli. This all combined with my unhealthy mental health led to chronic fatigue syndrome. Practicing moving meditations like restorative yoga and rock climbing allowed me to find healthy ways to move my body. I went from sleeping entire days and not being able to walk more than 50 metres without being in severe agony, to climbing Himalayan peaks and galloping on horseback through the Mongol steppe. Moving meditations whether that is walking, cycling, swimming…any way that you move your body mindfully supports you in your mental and physical health. It is so important to move.
7. Learning how to regulate my negative thoughts and emotions.
I touched on the impact of negative thinking and emotions earlier, regulation was the next evolution; learning the skills and practices to regulate my negative thoughts and emotions completely changed my life. In all honesty, it probably saved my life. I could not cope. Now I skilfully negotiate my inner and outer world with sensitivity and compassion. I am no longer scared of emotions or thoughts. I understand how to make them work for me in my highest good, coming from a healthy place and serve me towards living my extraordinary life. The first step was awareness. Awareness when I was thinking and feeling in unhealthy ways. Like I always say now, awareness sets you free. I then learnt to accept, acknowledge and allow these unhelpful thoughts and emotions. I learnt to compassionately investigate why I was thinking/ feeling this way and understand my triggers. I learnt that I did not have to identify with them, I could create distance. I learnt to have self-compassion for my negative thoughts and emotions and finally (granted, this was years later) I cultivated gratitude for my negative or unhelpful thoughts and emotions; I now thank them for trying to keep me safe by alerting me to something internally or externally, but compassionately decide and confidently act on another direction based on rational and healthy thinking.
8. Reached out and spoke to family, friends mentors, (and once I found out about them; life coaches!) about feeling low and unhappy.
The lower I became in my mental and physical health, the more isolated I felt. I was so loved. I did know that, but I never felt like I fit in, or I was really seen and heard. My life is a different story now that I am a confident and happy person; the whole ‘your vibe attracts your tribe’ thing resonates deep - for me eventually that has become my tribe of origin too (although there has been some healthy purging of unhelpful relationships).
It took a lot of bravery to really communicate how I felt, and honestly, people in my life at the time didn’t really get it. So I had to find people that did. My Aunty Jo was instrumental in my healing, as were some friends who really listened. I think that would be my greatest advice here; find people who listen to hear and understand you. Sometimes that’s not always our closest people. Sometimes it’s really difficult for the people closet to us to see who we really are or how we are really feeling. That’s why therapeutic relationships can be so healthy. Find a coach or counsellor to support you; they have already been there, they get it, they listen, they have your total interest at heart. Speak to someone you trust. Make it someone who will support you. Whoever it is, reach out. You will begin to realise that you are not the only one who has suffered like this. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to switch from the rock who cared for everyone else to the person who really needed support. But look at where I am now! What a journey! And it all started with crying into a cup of tea with my Aunty Jo…
Note, ALL of these I still continue to cultivate in my external and internal life, but they were particularly important to learn at the start of the journey to health, happiness and living an extraordinary life of love, passion and purpose.
Need support? I’m here.
Let me know when you want to book in for your free 30 minute positive psychology call. I cannot wait to get to know you and be a fellow traveller on your journey.
No matter if you are making the first step or a far along the journey, I am here to give you a gentle nudge and remind you of how brave, beautiful and amazing you are. You deserve it all.
Be compassionate. Always start there.
I truly hope that my sharing this supports you in your journey to self-mastery, multidimensional wellbeing, an adventurous way of being and living the extraordinary life you both want and deserve.
If any of this has been triggering for you please feel free to reach out for a chat with me. I am always here to make you feel seen, heard, valued and loved.
