Self-compassion: superhero superpower
We build barriers to love, learning self-criticism is advantageous; self-love is indulgent and selfish.
What if I told you we could cultivate a loving connected presence which can positively transform our relationship with ourselves and the world around us?
Where accepting our imperfections, meeting our suffering with loving-kindness and embracing our interconnectedness, gifts us a powerful freedom that builds inner strength and resilience, and ultimately, we thrive.
This source of superhuman-ness; self-compassion.
Self-compassion is the power to free yourself and thrive through self-directed loving kindness.
In Buddhism, liberating our minds from the power of negative emotions, cultivating loving-kindness and compassion for self and others is the path towards the emancipation of suffering for all (Gilbert, 2005). The Dalai Lama (1995) defines compassion as an openness to suffering and the wish to relieve it. Self-compassion is when this is directed toward oneself.
Contemporary definitions of self-compassion have been dominated by Kristin Neff. She began researching self-compassion in 2003 after attending Buddhist meditation classes during a period of personal suffering. Along with leading compassion researcher Christopher Germer, they define self-compassion as a self-attitude, self-regulatory and metacognitive construct that involves treating ourselves with loving-kindness, particularly in times of struggle, where we view our imperfections and experiences in light of the shared human experience. These actions and perceptions are fused with a mindful and balanced awareness of our moment-to-moment experience to ourselves and environments. The elements involved are self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
Self-Kindness
Through unconditional acceptance and self-comfort we become an inner ally. We treat ourselves like we would a good friend.
Self-kindness counters our tendency for self-criticism where we berate ourselves for being inadequate or unable to cope. It cultivates intentionality with being comforting, loving and understanding towards our struggles and imperfections (Neff, 2016a). Loving-kindness is the state of mind that wishes happiness and wellbeing to self/others (Sujiva, 2007).
Self-kindness exercise:
Self Soothing Touch
You can find it on our Instagram here
Common Humanity
We are all interconnected; your experience of pain is similar to mine. Suffering is a natural and shared part of the human experience.
Common humanity is the knowledge and comfort of interconnectedness; realising that all human’s suffer and are flawed. This honours the inevitable; life entrails suffering. Often we forget that pain is a shared human experience, others also make mistakes and stumble, and we become lost in our own inadequacies. Remembering our common humanity means we are not alone (Neff & Germer, 2018).
Common humanity exercise:
Empathy building gaze
Note this may bring up an unexpected and intense emotional response. Practice compassion towards the self and other
Mindfulness
An acceptance and awareness of our inner world, as it is, moment-to-moment. Presence cultivates space, connection and objectivity on ourselves and lives.
When we are struggling, it is difficult to view our situations and ourselves with a clear, balanced view. Mindfulness allows us to meet our suffering with an open, loving and connected awareness. Mindfulness is self-regulatory; being aware of our moment-to-moment experience, without resisting or avoiding our thoughts, emotions and sensations. We need to acknowledge and turn towards our suffering in order to respond with loving-kindness towards ourselves. This is the first step towards changing our self-deprecating cognitive and affective inner world, to a compassionate one (Neff & Germer, 2018).
Mindfulness exercise:
Wellbeing Explorers Multidimensional Wellbeing Check in
Self-compassion and Wellbeing: The Research
Whilst rooted in easing suffering, self-compassion is considered a positive psychological strength. As a significant source of eudaimonic happiness, it involves the pursuit of purpose and meaning in life, rather than only seeking pleasure and avoiding pain (Hollis-Walker & Colosimo, 2011).
Research has revealed that there are a multitude of benefits to wellbeing of being self-compassionate. People experience:
Table 1: Adapted from Neff & Germer, 2018
Self-compassion has been empirically found to improve wellbeing. However, in Western cultures we are taught that self-compassion is flawed, and self-criticism motivates and protects (Bayir & Lomas, 2016). Many people harbour deep suspicions about being kind towards themselves. Therefore, Neff and Germer (2018) recommend we are gentle with ourselves when we travel on this challenging but transformative journey.
Self-compassion in Western cultures is met with suspicion, if not avoided completely. We have grown up with narratives that self-compassion shows weakness or that it is more effective for performance to be critical of ourselves and others, however the research is showing the exact opposite. Embracing self-compassion means we are healthier, happier and perform at our peak.
Final Reflections
Perhaps the most potent power of the research is in the permission, validation and skills self-compassion gives us to access love and acceptance, which is arguably, innately human. Through self-regulation, self-compassion gives us the tools to be an active participant in our own wellbeing and may gift us an empowering freedom through self-friendship and loving-kindness which builds inner strength and resilience. Ultimately, to thrive.
An Irish blessing for self-compassionate intention:
Loving-kindness meditation
One final offering for you is my guided loving-kindness meditation. This is one of the most powerful practices to boost feelings of compassion for yourself, your loved ones, all sentient beings and even those who we have struggles with.
I hope this brings you connected in your self-compassion.
The benefits of self-compassion in the positive psychology research and thousands of years of Western philosophical and Eastern Buddhist teachings are clear; self-compassion is a superpower. You can use this in your modern life to take charge of your mind and emotions and become a self-compassionate superhero!
References:
Gilbert, P. (2005). Compassion: Conceptualisations, research and use in psychotherapy. New York: Routledge.
Dalai Lama. (1995). The power of compassion. New Delhi, India: HarperCollins.
Neff, K. D (2016). Self-compassion. Mindfulness in Positive Psychology: The Science of Meditation and Wellbeing, 37.
Sujiva,V.(2007). Loving-Kindness Meditation. Available at: http://www.justbegood.net/Downloads/e-books/Meditation%20Loving%20Kindness.pdf
Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, find inner strength, and thrive.
Hollis-Walker, L., & Colosimo, K. (2011). Mindfulness, self-compassion, and happiness in non-meditators: A theoretical and empirical examination. Personality and Individual differences, 50(2), 222-227.
Bayir, A., & Lomas, T. (2016). Difficulties generating self-compassion: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. The Journal of Happiness and Well-Being, 4(1), 15-33.