My journey

In 2013 - 2016 I lived with chronic fatigue syndrome, and for much of that time, in chronic pain. This happened after I came home from my first trip to Nepal in 2012-2013. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I escaped to Nepal to run away from the difficult truth that I was really unhappy. I had been in an awful work environment and had finished university feeling lost and empty. My mental health was not in great shape; I was angry and negative, I was feeling desperate and depressed. I got e-coli in Nepal, and had been sick with annoying infections the previous year of university, so was on antibiotics almost solidly for two years. I came home from Nepal after an incredible and adventurous nine month trip, where I made friends and family, who are still some of my closest loved ones today. But I landed right back into the reality that I was not happy. Due to my physical and mental health deteriorating, my body shut down and I was in agony. I lay in bed in despair, and at my lowest, dreamt about how much easier it would be to not be on the planet, how much less suffering there would be if I was not alive. How terrible a person I was, how crippled by negativity - why could I not pull myself out of this darkness and be fine?

*Chronic fatigue feels like your worst hangover mixed with the worst viral infection - all the time.*

I had three steroid injections and saw doctors, physiotherapists and consultants. No one could figure out what was wrong with me. My GP told me that I probably did have chronic fatigue syndrome and the only thing to do was prescribe pain killers and wait it out. I found relief in the people who looked at me as a whole (not just a sore knee, or a dysfunctional muscle chain or a symptom); my massage therapist and yoga teacher.

I started exploring positive psychology, Buddhist philosophy, yoga and slowly recovered from chronic fatigue. For the better part of three years, I had good days, good hours, and bad days and hours. Sometimes I could not get out of bed. In July 2013 I could not walk more than 50 metres without being exhausted and in severe pain. It was hard to know what would exhaust me, I couldn’t commit to parties, events or work. But, slowly I became stronger and more connected in my mental and physical health. I studied to be a sports massage therapist in 2016 as massage had been so integral to my healing journey.

In January 2017, I met my partner Liam, who instantly saw me as an extraordinary woman. He helped me to love me, see my worth and push hard for my dreams. I continued learning. I improved my skills expedition leading and worked in Mongolia for National Geographic as a ‘NatGeo Adventure Guide’, I travelled to America with Liam and rock climbed, mountain biked and played music in spikey deserts and the deep red of the South West. I began my Masters programme in ‘Positive Psychology and Coaching Psychology’ in January 2018 and put depth and scientific understanding around my lived experience. How it was to be sick, unhappy then learn to flourish through self-compassion, connection, kindness, mindfulness and self-care.

In 2019, I celebrated this journey by fulfilling my dream goal; mountaineering in the Himalayas. Nepal was the place that shook me to my soul and I broke. So, I went back to make the important pilgrimage, and scaled a 6000m mountain; Island Peak (6189m/ 20,305ft). I didn’t summit, for a variety of reasons. But to me that was even more beautiful. I am still on the journey, still exploring. I did not conquer the mountain, but enjoyed the journey even more.

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